Articles & Answers:
Premature and Delayed Ejaculation
Premature and Delayed Ejaculation
Occasionally I'm asked for help with sexual dysfunction issues. Since sexuality is complicated in humans, there are many things that vary from person to person, as well as things that can go wrong. Sometimes people think there's something wrong just because their functioning is not exactly average. I was contacted by G. about delayed ejaculation. Below is a paraphrase of his inquiry and my response:
Dr. Waters,
I've had a problem with delayed ejaculation since I became sexually active, at the age of about 20. It takes me almost an hour to reach orgasm if I'm with a partner, maybe half that long if I'm masturbating. My sexual interest seems less than my peers. I'm embarrassed and depressed, and the problem has ruined my relationships with women. Can REBT help me?
This was my response:
Try to avoid having a problem about the problem. Don't over identify with it, don't think of yourself as damaged or bad because you have a problem. Always, you are a person who . . . (has a problem, likes to read, plays a good game of tennis, has brown hair, etc.), in other words, people have lots of qualities and characteristic, and any problem is not who you are, it's just a problem, no matter how much it bothers you now. Brain-storm about the problem. Write down any ideas you can think of, which relate to delayed ejaculation. What it means in general, what it means to you in particular, etc., then look at what you've written and see if some of it is clearly wrong or arbitrary or exaggerated or black-and-white.
Delayed ejaculation could be medically caused; check with your physician.
Your "problem" may not be such a huge problem, apart from your discomfort about it. People vary greatly in the time it takes from initiating sex to having an orgasm, and probably you're at the long end of the continuum, but if you are able to be frank with your partner, you can work out sexual behaviors that work for both of you. You need to let her know that you always take longer than average, so she'll know it's not something about her that is turning you off. Then talk together about how to arrange your sexual interaction so that both of you are able to feel satisfied.
This might make sex in a new relationship difficult: you have to discuss something personal, at a point in the relationship where it might not be comfortable for you to have such a discussion.
Note: Many of the comments above will apply quite the same if the problem is premature ejaculation.
You could turn your "problem" into an asset: brag about your ability to take the time to satisfy women, or take pride in being able to provide an extended experience. Many women would be delighted.
The issue will resolve itself faster and easier if you make up your mind to just be who you are, and not feel horrible because you aren't "perfect" (whatever that is!).
